“I will face any challenge or set back head on. I am a lion. I am the wolf. I will fight with my shield or come back on it.”
This is a personal mantra I would recite to myself every day for almost two years, until about two weeks ago.
Lately, I have been petty, pouty, and definitely not perspicacious. The personal challenges kept piling up on me like a never-ending line of angry customers.
I couldn’t stand it, and I wanted to give up. Give it all up. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Nothing mattered. No matter what I did, it would all end up the same: I would fail.
And that’s when it dawned on me: if nothing mattered, then why not take the greatest risks? Why not be present? Why not practice gratitude? I would always feel better when I did, so even if I fail at everything, isn’t it better to have felt good in the process?
After the apathy eroded away came the anger. Everything triggered me. I experienced the shortest fuse since high school.
I asked myself, why am I angry? It wasn’t a righteous anger. It was anger derived from hurt, loneliness, and degrading thoughts about myself.
Again I asked myself, is this the strongest version of me? Is this the best version of myself? What would the best version of myself do in this situation?
And so I have been.
Today I was went to my second job at my friend’s house, and in his bathroom there is a picture of a lion with its lioness. That is when I realized that I haven’t been the Lion, nor have I have I been the wolf.
A lion doesn’t lose sleep over the opinions of others. A lion protects its own. A lion takes what it wants.
But you never see a wolf never performing in the circus.
So I take aspects from both animals. If I want something that is good for my well-being, I will go out and get it regardless of my fear of failure, and I will not conform to a current trend simply because it’s easy.
I will fight on my shield or come back on it. This doesn’t mean that every day has to be a fight or a battle. In fact, I’ve given up my shield, because armor is what you need when you’re afraid of your own vulnerability.
Instead, I will derive my strength from my openness and vulnerability.
I won’t go down without a fight. Just like the lion and the wolf.
I’m done with the pettiness. The self-pity. The woe is me storyline. Every day is another opportunity to invent your story.
Let these words hold testament to the fact that when it’s all said and done, I did things on my own terms.